David,
I can't sleep and please I hope my mini breakdown has not hurt you in any way I never want to hurt you.
So how did I get here...
I have a tendancy to over think, to over analize and read to much into things, I didn't always do this, its a product of my failed marriage, I have been lied to so many times and hurt in so many ways that I honestly think I had learned to remove all emotions from my marriage and just made the best of a really unhappy, shitty relationship for the sake of my children until I discovered the one thing I couldn't live with had happened.
When I met you I had finally gotten myself back on track and I still will thank Steve for that, he and I had a really odd relationship we both were looking for something and we just latched on to one another, when we were dating I knew that he was not someone who was going to be long term. The one great thing that came out of being with Steve was the day he and I called it quits was the first time since i decided to end my marriage 3 months earlier that I had cried, I didn't cry because Steve and I called it quits, I cried because I failed, I honestly think that I had a mini break down and I cried off and on for 3 days, and on day two I called and made an appointment to talk to someone which when Steve and I were talking about just becoming friends was something that Steve felt I needed, that was the best choice I had made in middle of my whole mess. So by the time I met you about 6 weeks later I had cried and talked out a lot of pent up emotions and I really was in a much better place.
So whats wrong with me... my guard is up, my fear is elevated and I just want things to be how I feel they once were. And again I am sitting here not sure how to put this into words. This is the third email I have started tonight and I think I may just paste from the other ones.
Which it is not letting me do... So in one I talked about the settling down thing, yes I get that this is normal in a relationship, my concern with this is that there would normally been a natural transistion into this happening everything would slowly slow down, we didn't have that, the emails just stopped and I feel still, so foolish about the ones that I wrote you when you were in a down swing, how the hell did I not notice instead I was just selfish and concerned about my own feelings of not getting a reply from you. The first time I wrote one when I knew you were not where I was, actually was the I Remember one, I thought it might bring you back to me.
I can't sleep and please I hope my mini breakdown has not hurt you in any way I never want to hurt you.
So how did I get here...
I have a tendancy to over think, to over analize and read to much into things, I didn't always do this, its a product of my failed marriage, I have been lied to so many times and hurt in so many ways that I honestly think I had learned to remove all emotions from my marriage and just made the best of a really unhappy, shitty relationship for the sake of my children until I discovered the one thing I couldn't live with had happened.
When I met you I had finally gotten myself back on track and I still will thank Steve for that, he and I had a really odd relationship we both were looking for something and we just latched on to one another, when we were dating I knew that he was not someone who was going to be long term. The one great thing that came out of being with Steve was the day he and I called it quits was the first time since i decided to end my marriage 3 months earlier that I had cried, I didn't cry because Steve and I called it quits, I cried because I failed, I honestly think that I had a mini break down and I cried off and on for 3 days, and on day two I called and made an appointment to talk to someone which when Steve and I were talking about just becoming friends was something that Steve felt I needed, that was the best choice I had made in middle of my whole mess. So by the time I met you about 6 weeks later I had cried and talked out a lot of pent up emotions and I really was in a much better place.
So whats wrong with me... my guard is up, my fear is elevated and I just want things to be how I feel they once were. And again I am sitting here not sure how to put this into words. This is the third email I have started tonight and I think I may just paste from the other ones.
Which it is not letting me do... So in one I talked about the settling down thing, yes I get that this is normal in a relationship, my concern with this is that there would normally been a natural transistion into this happening everything would slowly slow down, we didn't have that, the emails just stopped and I feel still, so foolish about the ones that I wrote you when you were in a down swing, how the hell did I not notice instead I was just selfish and concerned about my own feelings of not getting a reply from you. The first time I wrote one when I knew you were not where I was, actually was the I Remember one, I thought it might bring you back to me.
I am not willing to give up on what is the best relationship I have had in my adult life, you really make me so happy and I want to be able to move on, my guard is up and my fear elevated because I have come from somewhere, where I had so much hidden from me. I understand why you didn't tell me that you were having a rough time but it has knocked the wind out of me to be honest. My main issue is that I am having trouble coming to terms now with believing that your doing alright now, and I need to stop it. I didn't notice right away that you were not in a good place so how would I know for sure that are in a good place now, I guess I just need to learn to trust you more. Bumma huh I didn't think I had so many emotional issues that would hang about from my marriage.
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