Reality check

David,

I think Gerry's death, even though I barely knew him has really made me do a lot of thinking over the past week about feelings, emotions and our relationship.

Today I have thought an awful lot about your kids and how this will effect them tomorrow and all I can think of I wish I could be there for them, I know I am not ever going to be their Mum, but I have built feelings for your kids on a level that I didn't know would happen for me. Out of everything that has come from the death of Gerry this is the strongest part of it for me, I just want to be able to protect all of our kids from hurt, which I know is not possible and I know tomorrow at around 10:15 I will be thinking of you all.

I know I am a very emotional person and I show it a little to much at times, but I have realized that our family together is amazing and it does make me emotional to think that not only have I found a wonderful man to enlighten my life but I have found a wonderful man who will be a influence in a positive way to my children, and to add to that a wonderful man who has children who have been so open and accepting to the addition of Daddy's girlfriend and also her children. They all 5 of them are making this so much easier than I ever thought was possible in blending a family.

Our relationship...

What a great place to be. I am thankful that I am having this chance at something great with you. I am getting a second chance to get it right, but not only that I have a second chance to get it right with someone who is so much better for me. It has not been the easiest road to be on at times, but I know that it is all worth it. We never seem to of had the chance to think that it will be an easy road, but I think thats half the reason that it works, we have had plenty tossed at us over the past 6 months but its seems that we both are willing to work through whatever has come at us and push forth and that is why you and I together is going to work. Being together is great, we are great together.

There are so many things in life that are unknown and that is what makes it so important for me now to live each day as it comes and just be happy for what I have and David what I have with you is amazing. Its one of those things where if I believed in god I would thank him for bringing me to you. I do however believe that some things are destined to happen and you and I was one of those things, two people from the polar opposite side of the world arriving in America within months of one another then meeting 12 years later who marriages ended for the same reason, seems meant to be to me. So we both had shit to fight through to find one another, but honestly that was all worth it to of found you now, with both of us still young enough to enjoy so much of life together, from the joining of our families forward. Then the simple thing of finding that Celtic shirt stashed in a storage bin in my basement. You know the day I found that was the day that I really thought that I was where I was destined to be. Ok so you may think destiny ppphhhhh what crap but I actually believe it now. So there!

I wish I could be there with you tomorrow, but just know that I will be thinking about all four of you tomorrow wishing I could be there to try and make it easier.

I love you,

Our children

David,

It must be coming off such a great weekend that is making me feel just how much I love you. This weekend was such an eye opener for me. It gave me the knowledge that I really have made the right choice in you. you are a wonderful Father to your children and even took the time to guide my children while they were with you and I thank you for it.

I was so very concerned about what would happen putting 5 children together but it almost felt easier to have 5 than it does to have 2. I love the fact that the kids played together all weekend, that Emmie had a barbie friend and a big "brother" who wanted to be around her and that Chris had someone who could show him new things on the computer and a "sister" who wanted to share with him. I totally get that it is not going to always be perfect that we are going to have to stop arguments and step in as parents when we need to but I feel that we are both going to always be so fair to the children, that's something I know about you, that you are not going to side with a child just because they are "your" child, which I hope you know that I will also do. I already feel strongly about your children and have so much fun being around them, I love that they want me to watch them do something and they are so accepting of me as a new person in their lives.

Thank you for moving forward with me and our future. It gets more exciting every step we take together. So many things were great about the weekend from Iona giving Emmie the courage to put on a life vest and go in the deep end of the pool, Chris eating something that I can never get him to try, sitting on the bed on Sunday morning while you read a book and I the paper to the really simple thing of walking around the garden and us both wanting to make it awesome.

The mini break down

David,

I can't sleep and please I hope my mini breakdown has not hurt you in any way I never want to hurt you.

So how did I get here...

I have a tendancy to over think, to over analize and read to much into things, I didn't always do this, its a product of my failed marriage, I have been lied to so many times and hurt in so many ways that I honestly think I had learned to remove all emotions from my marriage and just made the best of a really unhappy, shitty relationship for the sake of my children until I discovered the one thing I couldn't live with had happened.

When I met you I had finally gotten myself back on track and I still will thank Steve for that, he and I had a really odd relationship we both were looking for something and we just latched on to one another, when we were dating I knew that he was not someone who was going to be long term. The one great thing that came out of being with Steve was the day he and I called it quits was the first time since i decided to end my marriage 3 months earlier that I had cried, I didn't cry because Steve and I called it quits, I cried because I failed, I honestly think that I had a mini break down and I cried off and on for 3 days, and on day two I called and made an appointment to talk to someone which when Steve and I were talking about just becoming friends was something that Steve felt I needed, that was the best choice I had made in middle of my whole mess. So by the time I met you about 6 weeks later I had cried and talked out a lot of pent up emotions and I really was in a much better place.

So whats wrong with me... my guard is up, my fear is elevated and I just want things to be how I feel they once were. And again I am sitting here not sure how to put this into words. This is the third email I have started tonight and I think I may just paste from the other ones.

Which it is not letting me do... So in one I talked about the settling down thing, yes I get that this is normal in a relationship, my concern with this is that there would normally been a natural transistion into this happening everything would slowly slow down, we didn't have that, the emails just stopped and I feel still, so foolish about the ones that I wrote you when you were in a down swing, how the hell did I not notice instead I was just selfish and concerned about my own feelings of not getting a reply from you. The first time I wrote one when I knew you were not where I was, actually was the I Remember one, I thought it might bring you back to me.

I am not willing to give up on what is the best relationship I have had in my adult life, you really make me so happy and I want to be able to move on, my guard is up and my fear elevated because I have come from somewhere, where I had so much hidden from me. I understand why you didn't tell me that you were having a rough time but it has knocked the wind out of me to be honest. My main issue is that I am having trouble coming to terms now with believing that your doing alright now, and I need to stop it. I didn't notice right away that you were not in a good place so how would I know for sure that are in a good place now, I guess I just need to learn to trust you more. Bumma huh I didn't think I had so many emotional issues that would hang about from my marriage.

In the New Year

David,

I know that I write these Emails because I want to express how I feel. Some people have a journal or like you an online blog I do it with these Emails because I want to always remember somehow how I felt at this point and time.

I can not believe how lucky I have been in finding you. I am just remembering how things started and I don't think I let you know how it really was for me last night but I was thinking about it this morning, the first IM that I sent you it was because you were someone who I thought I could be friends with, but by the time that you asked me on our first date I felt like you were someone that I might have a chance of having a relationship with. When I first saw you I can remember thinking that you were much better looking than the pictures that you had on cupid. When we were on our first date I do remember thinking that it was going great that you were a great person to be around and just hoping that you felt the same way. After making out on the park bench I was very hopeful that you would want to see me again and thankfully you did. I had no idea at the end of that night that I would feel the way that I feel about you now, just 3 months later. I was before I met you in the mind set that I would be alone for a long time and I was alright with that. I also never imagined that I would be talking about having someone join my children's life after just a short period of time, but with you it just feels so perfect like I have been waiting for us to happen for a very long time.

I know I told you last night but I want to tell you again, when I talk to you sometimes about how I feel about us I really do get very emotional, it is really just because I never knew that I would met someone who would be everything that you are. I did not know that I could feel this way about another person who was not a member of my family.

I also believe that our insecurities will help us along the way to not take each other for granted. Even though I know that what your fear is, it is not something that is going to happen because to me your not just a guy with a cool accent who happens to be good looking and turns me on but you are someone who knows how to and does make me so happy, knows how to make me laugh, listens to my fears, offers me the right advice, shows his love for me in public and puts up with my quirks. Having these fears will make us work on our relationship and not just assume that having a relationship is easy. I can admit that I have had some fears that I have not told you about and they are still there, I think about the fact that this is to great to be happening to me and it could be some big con and one day your going to say, "well now I know you really love me I am done with you". I know that is a different one but it is one that I have had. Even when I write these Emails I am scared that I will write things that will make you want to turn and run the other way. That I am being to open with my feelings and it may scare you or make you feel that I am to overbearing.

I understand as well that this is not always going to be easy we are going to become a household of 7 different people with different needs and wants but as long as we stay strong in our relationship to each other we can be the parents that our children need. Yes I am going to fuck up sometimes but my whole aim is to be the best parent I know to our children. I know falling in love with your children will be easy for me and I know that my children are going to adore you.

I love you and I am thankful every day since I met you for having the chance to be with you. It feels so great to be with you, its wonderful to love you and have you love me back, its great having someone who laughs at the same things, who has the same way of social thinking as me. Settling down was a scary place to be in but its a place I am happy to be in with you now, its a natural progression in our relationship and I admit that I did freak out when you wrote it the first time . To me now it means that we being our true self, that we no longer feel like we need to always be the perfect person we think the other one is looking for, its awesome to know that you accept me for who I am, since I love who you are.

I am looking forward to what is coming for us.

At Christmas

Sometimes in resent days the way i feel about you is just such a great feeling that I can not even put it into words, saying I love you just doesn't seem to touch on what I feel for you. When i think of you I always smile and when i hear you on the phone it can totally calm me down, help me relax and make me feel that someone cares, being with you is so much fun, yes I said fun! I am looking forward to there being an US for the longest time and its exciting, and not at all scary. I never have any second thoughts about being with you like I have in past relationships, I know that I am not settling for someone, I know that your who I am meant to be with. It has been a bumpy journey finding you but that's all the past now and i am honestly so excited about the future.